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Divorce
"The 7 Emotional Phases of Divorce" by
Debbie Burgin
Divorce, though often an ugly process, isn't always an emotional
death sentence, and regardless of who we are, or what we do,
we all go through the same emotional turmoil to varying degrees
when it comes to divorce.
At
first, going through the divorce process feels as though you've
taken a size 12 steel toe to the gut (that feeling goes away,
trust me). But there are typically 7 emotional phases that we
go through; The first phase is Shock.
Most
times, especially when infidelity is the cause of the divorce,
the first reaction by the 'innocent' party is shock. The impulse
is to do absolutely nothing. Yet. :)
The second phase is Anger. Once you get
over the shock of being emotionally discarded, anger sets in.
The brain at this time, tries to come up with a way of paying
back.
In
this phase, the anger was so intense for me, that I just couldn't
do it. Payback had to wait until I could think more clearly.
Find a way to get rid of the anger. I took up kick boxing, which
worked wonders. I brought a picture of my ex to class, and taped
it to the heavy bag. I punched and kicked the living daylights
atta' that thing, and MAN!...What an awesome feeling! Not to
mention the rush I got watching everyone else in the class kicking
and punching him. :)
The third phase is Betrayal. Feelings of
"how could he do this to me? After all we've been through..."
are very common. Every woman that I've spoken with regarding
this topic, admits to having a generous dose of betrayal for
breakfast, lunch and dinner during her divorce.
The fourth phase is Sadness and Feelings
of Loss. You'll mourn for happier days. Days when your emotional
security was intact. It's perfectly alright to mourn for the
loss of these things, but also good to realize that those days
are gone, and that you're going to make new happy memories without
him.
The
fifth phase? Apprehension. Especially for women. Stay at home
moms in particular. Now that he's gone, can you do this on your
own? How are you going to be able to pay the bills? How are
you going to feed the kids? Are you able to get a job? You've
been out of the work force for xx years now, and who's going
to hire you? Very common, and all legitimate concerns. But they
don't have to be a huge deal.
Sit down, take a deep breath, grab a java,
make a few lists. What can you do? Write them down. Now, what
can you do (legally), that someone would be willing to pay for?
Think about the possibility of starting your own business as
opposed to hitting the pavement in the jobsearch jungle.
The
sixth phase is Self Pity. Why me? What did I do to deserve this?
What's wrong with me? Go through this phase quickly. Then squash
it. Stuff happens. Your duty now is not to worsen your emotional
situation. Work through the self pity. Talk to a friend, but
don't whine about it too often, or you'll find in a short time,
that your friends don't return your calls. I just had a friend
go through that, but she realized what it was about her that
was keeping the people that she called friends from calling
her back. She's changed it. (We're having coffee this morning
:).
And
last but definitely not least is Revenge :) This was a fun phase
for me. I'm not saying that revenge is always a good thing,
but when someone's done you wrong, sometimes it's necessary.
If you're feeling a bit vengeful toward your ex (or soon to
be 'ex'), remember not to physically hurt anyone.
I've
told you that I maxxed out his credit card a couple of times,
and there's always the other type of revenge...the revenge that
he doesn't even realize that you've got on him :). It makes
you feel better, more easily able to move on, and you haven't
harmed anyone physically (though in the Anger stage, that's
probably all you think about).
There's no limit on the time that
it takes you to go through these phases. Take your time, but
once you've done them, DON'T GO BACK. When it's done, it's done.
Live your life. Move on. You'll feel a thousand times better
than you did at the beginning. Martinis for Everyone!
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About
the Author
Debbie Burgin is a divorced mother of 3,
who owns two businesses, and believes that life actually gets
better after divorce. Read more of Debbie Burgin's divorce advice
at www.blogspot.debbieburgin.com.
Look for Debbie's advice column coming soon to www.warnerdigitalmedia.com.
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