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Divorce
"The 7 Emotional Phases of Divorce" by Debbie Burgin
Divorce, though often an ugly
process, isn't always an emotional death sentence, and regardless of who we
are, or what we do, we all go through the same emotional turmoil to varying
degrees when it comes to divorce.
At first, going through the
divorce process feels as though you've taken a size 12 steel toe to the gut
(that feeling goes away, trust me). But there are typically 7 emotional phases
that we go through; The first phase is Shock.
Most times, especially when
infidelity is the cause of the divorce, the first reaction by the 'innocent'
party is shock. The impulse is to do absolutely nothing. Yet. :)
The second
phase is Anger. Once you get over the shock of being emotionally discarded,
anger sets in. The brain at this time, tries to come up with a way of paying
back.
In this
phase, the anger was so intense for me, that I just couldn't do it. Payback had
to wait until I could think more clearly. Find a way to get rid of the anger. I
took up kick boxing, which worked wonders. I brought a picture of my ex to
class, and taped it to the heavy bag. I punched and kicked the living daylights
atta' that thing, and MAN!...What an awesome feeling! Not to mention the rush I
got watching everyone else in the class kicking and punching him. :)
The third phase
is Betrayal. Feelings of "how could he do this to me? After all we've been
through..." are very common. Every woman that I've spoken with regarding this
topic, admits to having a generous dose of betrayal for breakfast, lunch and
dinner during her divorce.
The fourth phase is Sadness and Feelings of Loss. You'll mourn
for happier days. Days when your emotional security was intact. It's perfectly
alright to mourn for the loss of these things, but also good to realize that
those days are gone, and that you're going to make new happy memories without
him.
The fifth
phase? Apprehension. Especially for women. Stay at home moms in particular. Now
that he's gone, can you do this on your own? How are you going to be able to
pay the bills? How are you going to feed the kids? Are you able to get a job?
You've been out of the work force for xx years now, and who's going to hire
you? Very common, and all legitimate concerns. But they don't have to be a huge
deal.
Sit down,
take a deep breath, grab a java, make a few lists. What can you do? Write them
down. Now, what can you do (legally), that someone would be willing to pay for?
Think about the possibility of starting your own business as opposed to hitting
the pavement in the jobsearch jungle.
The sixth phase is Self Pity.
Why me? What did I do to deserve this? What's wrong with me? Go through this
phase quickly. Then squash it. Stuff happens. Your duty now is not to worsen
your emotional situation. Work through the self pity. Talk to a friend, but
don't whine about it too often, or you'll find in a short time, that your
friends don't return your calls. I just had a friend go through that, but she
realized what it was about her that was keeping the people that she called
friends from calling her back. She's changed it. (We're having coffee this
morning :).
And
last but definitely not least is Revenge :) This was a fun phase for me. I'm
not saying that revenge is always a good thing, but when someone's done you
wrong, sometimes it's necessary. If you're feeling a bit vengeful toward your
ex (or soon to be 'ex'), remember not to physically hurt anyone.
I've told you
that I maxxed out his credit card a couple of times, and there's always the
other type of revenge...the revenge that he doesn't even realize that you've
got on him :). It makes you feel better, more easily able to move on, and you
haven't harmed anyone physically (though in the Anger stage, that's probably
all you think about).
There's no limit on the time that it takes you to go through
these phases. Take your time, but once you've done them, DON'T GO BACK. When
it's done, it's done. Live your life. Move on. You'll feel a thousand times
better than you did at the beginning. Martinis for Everyone!
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About the Author
Debbie Burgin
is a divorced mother of 3, who owns two businesses, and believes that life
actually gets better after divorce. Read more of Debbie Burgin's divorce advice
at www.blogspot.debbieburgin.com.
Look for Debbie's advice column coming soon to
www.warnerdigitalmedia.com.
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