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Build More Relationship Trust
"Rebuilding Trust--'I'm Sorry' just
isn't enough" by Susie and Otto Collins
Several years ago, Otto worked
as a door-to-door sales person for a company in our area. One of the biggest
challenges with this job was not meeting the sales quotas but rather to keep
from getting bitten by dogs.
In fact, one day in less than 30 seconds after a woman told him
her dog wouldn't bite, the dog charged after him at full speed. Had the dog's
owner not grabbed the dog, Otto would have been bitten. Otto was skeptical when
the woman told him her dog wouldn't bite and he was even more skeptical of what
she had to say after the dog tried to bite him!
It can be that way in our
relationships when someone has disappointed us over and over and we've lost
trust in that person. We just seem to put a question mark in front of
everything they say or do. So what do we do if we want to stay in a
relationship with this person? How do we learn to trust that person again?
One of the keys
to rebuilding trust has more to do with what happens after one or both of you
apologizes and says "I'm sorry" than the apology itself. We've all heard the
saying, "Actions speak louder than words" and this is especially true when it
comes to rebuilding trust.
When there has been an acknowledgment of wrong-doing or if one
person has hurt another in some way, there are some things that both people can
do to rebuild trust.
Here's what we suggest for the person who feels they have been
hurt:
1. After
the apology, be clear about what actions you would like the other person to
take to make amends.
2. If the other person is willing, make an agreement about these
actions and how this situation will be handled in the future.
3. Be open to the possibility
that no matter how this person's conduct may have been in the past, this person
may change their behavior. Be willing to give up the "victim" position and the
desire for making them pay for what they've done.
4. Watch for positive actions by
this person in the future and let them know how much you appreciate it when
they've "done it right."
In other words, give some positive reinforcement.
Here's what we
suggest for the person who is apologizing:
1. Understand that a sincere
apology is only the first step toward rebuilding trust and your connection with
that other person.
2. Ask how you can make amends for what you have done and listen
to what the other person is telling you.
3. Be open to the possibility
that you can change and get some help if you need to.
4. If you are sincerely willing
to change your behavior in the way that the other person suggests, make an
agreement to make those changes.
5. Be consistent in your follow
through. We've found that rebuilding trust can take many years or it can happen
in an instant.
The amount of time that it takes to rebuild trust often depends
on how long the people involved are determined to protect and defend their
hearts so that they won't be hurt again.
We know that there are many
instances where either a person wants to change and just can't or they have no
desire to make the changes that will rebuild trust. They just go through the
motions and the excuses and apologies are repeated over and over with no
positive actions.
If this is what you are experiencing, you have choices to make
whether this behavior is important enough for you to take a stand against or
not. Remember, that no matter what has happened up until now it's always
important to give love a chance. It's also important to set healthy boundaries.
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Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins, authors of "Should You
Stay or Should You Go?" and "No More Jealousy" are experts at helping people
get more of the love they really want. Learn the 5 keys to a closer, more
loving relationship, click below for your free 5-part mini-course:
http://www.Relationshipgold.com
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