This relationship issue has been such a hot button topic lately and we’ve gotten hundreds of emails about it from both women AND men wanting to know more that we just had to say something and here’s why…
Women are outraged and feel insulted when men do this and the worst part is…… in many cases, men act so oblivious that we can’t help but wonder–in relationship situations like this– are they selfish and arrogant, unkind and uncaring or just plain dumb?
Here’s what we’re talking about…
Last week we did a teleseminar and web audio cast on the topic of…
“What to do when he’s looking at and paying too much attention to other women…”
So what’s the uproar about?
Why are women still writing to us “outraged” about this issue?
It’s seems that women want to know…
Is it fair if he’s looking at–and commenting on other women’s bodies and beauty (especially right in front of them) –and is it something that’s a “fact of relationship life” and something that “she just has to deal with?”
Let’s get the record straight…
When he looks at other women and comments on their beauty or bodies, it doesn’t feel good if you’re his partner.
You feel “less than,” not valued, not respected and certainly not loved when a man does this (especially if it’s right in front of you).
One woman told us that when men do this, they don’t stop and think how it would feel if it was done to them.
She also said that she knew women who played the game of looking at other men–in other words making him jealous and giving him a dose of his own medicine.
She also said that she hadn’t met a man yet who was a “good sport” about being on the receiving end of this type of attention from his partner on another man.
We agree 100% that if men are doing this, they probably aren’t thinking about how their woman feels when she sees or feels this…
…AND here’s the problem…
Playing a game like this (trying to give him some of his own medicine) will only further separate you and as the old saying goes, you will probably be “hoist by your own petard” if you go about trying to get your partner’s attention in this way.
In other words, this strategy will only take you further from what you want.
So if your man is looking and commenting about other women and playing the “eye for an eye” game doesn’t work, what do you do?
Here’s a two-prong approach that can get you started toward what you want–which we’re guessing is a greater feeling of love and connection…
1. Tell him how this makes you feel–in a way that he can hear.
He won’t hear you if you are blaming him and angry. Even though you feel like you are right and he is wrong (and we don’t blame you if you do feel this way), you will not get what you want if you are pushing against him.
Explain how it makes you feel when he does this. Show him how this hurts you and that you know there are things you can work on but there are also things you’d like him to change.
If he listens–and he may, the two of you can come up with some agreements so that he doesn’t shut himself down and yet turns his attention toward you at those times.
It could be something as simple as this…
If he’s unaware when he looks and makes comments–in other words, if he’s completely unconscious of his actions–he might want you to help him come into “consciousness” by some signal from you that you both agree on.
If you both agree, that signal may be his sign to come closer to you.
Now of course, he may refuse to stop doing what he’s doing and says it’s all your problem.
If that’s true and you truly have approached this issue in a way that you aren’t just blaming him–even though you may feel like this is all his fault…
And he keeps on doing it and closes down to you–
You have to decide if you’re willing to put up with his behavior and if this is the kind of relationship that you want.
In other words, is this a deal breaker for you?
Not exactly what you want to think about but it may be a choice for you if your man isn’t willing to meet you.
Here’s the second approach we suggest…
2. Focus on feeling good and loving yourself– independent of what he says or does.
Now of course we know that this may be a big challenge for you if you have been in the habit of feeling “less than” and not as good most of your life.
If that’s the case, in this present moment is as good a time as any to start changing that.
Somewhere along the line, someone or maybe “someones” have told you in various ways that you weren’t good enough, pretty enough, thin enough or whatever it was that convinced you to have a low opinion of yourself.
This partner who has this habit of looking and maybe commenting on beautiful women helps reinforce the idea that you aren’t as good–even if that’s not what he means.
If this sounds familiar to you…
A place to start is to refuse to put yourself down another moment–no matter what you think he’s thinking (because in reality, you don’t know what he’s thinking).
Stop your negative thoughts about yourself and replace them with a simple “I love you” to yourself.
If “I love you” is too much of a stretch, find a positive phrase that you can believe and say that to yourself every time you feel negativity bubble up inside you.
Of course, there’s much more to raising your self-esteem and self-confidence but this is a solid place to begin.
These are two of the best resources available anywhere for STOPPING JEALOUSY or REBUILDING TRUST in a relationship or marriage.
Remember that changes happen one moment at a time so don’t get discouraged.
It takes courage to make changes in your life and if you’re in this kind of situation–maybe you’ve had it over and over in your life–it can be a real challenge to make lasting changes.
But just remember if you do nothing, nothing will change.