…But should he tell her about this?
Here’s the thing…
Sometimes, jealousy can really cloud your thinking…
In fact, if jealousy is an issue for you in your relationship or marriage, then it shouldn’t come as a surprise to you to hear us say that jealousy is something that can ruin a relationship or marriage faster than almost anything.
If you’d like some help dealing with your jealousy issues, you might want to go check this out:
No More Jealousy
***QUESTION FROM A READER:
“Susie and Otto, I’ve been taking the jealousy lessons (for both being the jealous one and being the partner of the jealous one) from your web site for several weeks now.
“The lessons have been helping TREMENDOUSLY.
“I had a general question that I’ve never been able to figure out the answer to.
“What I have always wondered, however, is whether or not it’s encouraged to tell my girlfriend that I’m taking these lessons.
“I already have, and she is very supportive and grateful that I am taking steps to get rid of my jealousy, but I’m more curious on communicating specific concepts that your lessons point out.
“I take it that these tools are for ME to use to deepen my connection, but if I tell her the ‘secrets’ I’ve learned, could it be seen as more of a ‘manipulative’ system I’m employing?
“I’m afraid (there’s my insecurity for you…) that if I reveal these new methods I’m using that she might feel that it’s not the ‘real me’ doing things, but instead the old me using tactics to trick her into having a deeper connection with me.
“Thank you so much for your time! I sincerely appreciate all of your help and advice.”
First of all, congratulations for taking positive steps toward healing your jealousy–and what a great question!
When any of us are making changes, it might seem a little like playing “dress up” or “pretend” when we were kids.
As we became movie stars, knights, cowboys, or princesses, we were “trying on” how it felt to live those lives–but we were still little kids.
When jealousy has been a part of your life for so long, you start identifying with those behaviors and you might think that this is the “real” you.
The truth is that not one of us is born jealous or insecure.
We learn how to be jealous and insecure–and it becomes a habit.
But this is not the core of who you really are.
Our work in helping people with jealousy is to give a wide variety of concrete suggestions that they can “try on” to see what resonates with them and help them create the relationships they really want.
When you “try on” new suggestions, a few questions to ask yourself are these…
–What is my motivation for doing or saying this?
–Does my heart open as I try out this suggestion?
–Does my partner’s heart open toward me?
This is not manipulation when the heart is involved.
The definition of manipulation is “to control or change by artful or unfair means so as to achieve a desired end.”
If your motivation is to create more love with your partner and change some habits that have held you hostage in the past–that’s not manipulation.
Do you have to “tell” her the “tricks” you are using?
No–and here’s why…
For one thing, we would suggest that you re-frame your thinking about these suggestions or techniques from “tactics to trick her” to what they are–suggestions for being in your life a little differently.
By fearing that these suggestions could be “tricks,” somewhere inside you, there may be the feeling that you are being manipulative when you use them.
You have to give yourself permission to make positive changes in your life–and that possibly your “jealousy” is a way that you’ve played “dress up”–and is not necessarily you at your core.
And if it feels like manipulation, don’t do it.
This isn’t keeping secrets from your partner if you don’t explain what you are learning and why.
Just try it out–and allow the space for both of you to feel the results.
We all are constantly changing beings and you have to decide if you’re going to take charge of your changing or allow what’s happened in the past or your fears for the future to change it for you.
For more tips to create more passion, love and connection in your relationship, or for some great ideas for overcoming jealousy, get our free ebook “7 Jealousy Stopping Secrets.”