How to Stop Spying and Start Trusting

Movie spies like James Bond or Agent 99 from the “Get Smart” film make finding out the truth behind a mystery seem intriguingThey creep around corners listening in on conversations, hack computers for the names of crime kingpins and do it all looking suave and sleek.In your real life love relationship, there is nothing suave, sleek or sexy about spying. If you are in a place where you just don’t trust your partner and so you spy on him or her to find out what’s really going on, you probably don’t feel that way either.

And while spying in the form of opening your mate’s private e-mails, checking his or her cell phone calls or even following your partner may elicit the truth, none of these methods will help you regain trust or bring you closer together.

It’s highly possible that you never thought you’d be in a love relationship where you felt compelled to spy.

Perhaps you have what seem like “good” reasons to check up on your mate’s account of what he or she has been doing when you two are apart.

And maybe you’ve caught your partner in past lies whether so-called white lies or full-blown whoppers of a lie.

Either way, you were probably left feeling betrayed and not knowing what to believe when your love speaks.

It is also possible that you have had a string of painful relationships that left you feeling doubtful about anything a love partner says.  No matter how honest your mate seems, you just can’t seem to take what he or she says as truth without checking it out first.

Any or all of these scenarios could be happening in your life. It is understandable that you want some sense of certainty about what you are hearing and, perhaps, fearing in the midst of feeling insecure.

But none of these seemingly “good” reasons for spying are worth it. If your intention is to enjoy a close, connected and trust-filled love relationship, spying is taking you in the completely opposite direction. Not only will spying, if you are discovered, erode the trust that your partner may feel with you, it will also further disintegrate the dwindling trust you feel about your partner.

In the end, you may discover you are “right” or correct in those stories and fears but you will not be closer to having the relationship you are longing for.

Question your stories.

If you want to play James Bond or Agent 99, do it within your own mind. Let’s say your partner called to say he’ll be home late because of a deadline at work.

Perhaps he has a history of infidelity and you think this excuse sounds suspicious. Before you play out a past-case scenario in your head of your mate having an affair with a co-worker, stop and question the story playing out in your mind.

Do the internal “spy” work by asking yourself what you know for sure to be true. It may be that you realize your partner’s firm has been in the middle of a big account and you are aware that this story could be plausible.

Your relationship with your mate has seemed closer lately and perhaps he was calling so that you wouldn’t be worried or jump to conclusions.

When you question the stories in your head that are more rooted in the past than the present, you realize that you really don’t have any evidence that your partner is having an affair again.  Upon further self-inquiry, it is clearer that it is just as possible that he is telling the truth as it is that he is lying.

Ask for more information.

If, after questioning the stories running through your mind, you still feel worried and unsure, take some deep breaths. You can ask for more information from your partner and do this in a way that helps build trust rather than erode it.

Formulate your questions in your mind before posing them to your partner. Find a way to phrase the query so that it is not an accusation or an interrogation.

For example, if your girlfriend was out alone with her friends last night and you feel tempted to check her cell phone today to make sure another man isn’t calling her, stop yourself and just breathe for a moment.

Question the story you’ve possibly made up in your mind and think about ways to ask her about her evening that aren’t going to put her on the defensive. Do your best to come from a place of curiosity rather than insecurity.

There are no guarantees that your mate will not lie when answering your request for more information. But you can better know what’s true for your relationship when trust is strong and that can’t happen when you engage in spying.

Yes, we’re asking you to take a bit of a conscious, eyes wide open, leap. Rely on the evidence that you know to be true and on facts shared by your partner. Listen to your gut feelings, not your fears. This path will allow for more opening between you two and will allow trust to rebuild


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