If you’re in a relationship or marriage…
You just want to be told the truth.
Everybody deserves to be told the truth, right?
If there’s one thing we’ve heard over and over from our Breakthrough Relationship Coaching clients and others who write to us, it’s this…
“I just want the truth. I want honesty. It’s bad enough when they do things that are inappropriate but…I get more upset when he (or she) lies to me.”
As we’ve been delving into why people tell lies and steps to be taken to find out the truth, we’ve discovered a few things…
1. Everybody’s “truth” can be different for each of us.
Remember Bill Clinton’s statement…
“I have never had s*e*x*u*a*l relations with Monica Lewinsky.”
In his mind, he did not categorize what Ms. Lewinsky did to or with him as a s*e*x*u*a*l act–although most other people did!
Since we all have different value systems and different ways of looking at the world, two people can have totally different understandings about what certain acts mean.
Does that excuse bad behavior?
Of course not.
It just means that the two people have to be very clear about their values and what they each are agreeing to in that relationship.
2. Telling the “truth” completely depends on the person’s ability to KNOW what his or her truth is.
Now there are certainly “yes” or “no” answers that don’t require any sort of looking inside oneself such as this question…
“Did you work late on Tuesday night?”
But to get to the “truth,” there are other questions that require some ability to go within–to honestly check one’s thoughts and feelings, such as this…
“How do you feel about me and our relationship?”
Some people don’t allow themselves to go that deeply into themselves to honestly answer a question like that–or they don’t know how to get there.
3. Telling “the” truth depends on how safe it is to tell the truth.
A person can perceive that it’s not “safe” to share his or her truth because it wasn’t done in the family of origin, past relationships or even in this relationship–
Either “bad” things happened if he or she told what was genuinely wanted or was feeling
There was a reward for lying–saying or doing what others wanted him or her to say and do.
There was more incentive (life was easier, more comfortable or less pain) when he or she said or did what someone else wanted rather than following what was true for him or her.
So if you’re with a person who seems to hide the truth, it is extremely frustrating and upsetting–no matter why your partner does it!
With all of this in mind, if you find that you are in a situation where you think you are being lied to–here are some ways you can get at the truth…
1. Search inside you to discover whether you are prepared to handle the truth or not.
Sometimes you don’t want the truth because it may mean that your life will be completely turned upside-down.
Susie remembers that it took her quite awhile to be able to face the “truth” of what was happening in her previous marriage of 30 years–and actually agree to take steps to deal with it.
So we know it isn’t always easy to look at the truth and then do something about it.
Asking yourself –and being honest with yourself–if you are prepared to know the truth is a place to start.
2. Know what you will and will not stand for –and how you want to be treated.
This takes taking a good look inside you and recognizing that you do deserve respect and love–and what that means. It means coming awake to what your situation is showing you–and taking a step toward what you want.
3. Open yourself to listening (without interrupting and emotional outbursts) to your partner’s truth–big and small.
As hard as it is to hear, the fact is that we “train” the people in our lives how they will treat us.
And whether to tell you the truth or not can fall into this category.
Are we blaming you if you are with someone who is lying to you?
Of course not.
As we said above–there are many reasons why someone lies and they may have nothing to do with you.
But what you can do is this…
Instead of reacting, just listen.
And start small.
In order to do this, you have to learn ways to calm yourself so that your emotions and thoughts don’t rule your actions.
To get our “3 minute Jealous Thought Stopper” technique at no charge, visit https://www.relationshipgold.com/no-more-jealousy
If you practice it, it will help you to calm yourself down so you can listen to your partner. Calming yourself down doesn’t mean that you give up yourself and you don’t have choice. It just means that your mind isn’t muddled and you can be authentic and honest in your response rather than reactive.
As we said–start small.
Look at when you might react negatively and how you might deal with a situation differently.
Teresa chose to listen to her husband when he asked that she not call him so many times at work because it was difficult for him to concentrate on his job when she did. She sometimes felt that he ignored her calls even though he said he didn’t.
They agreed that they would talk one time during the day and that he would let her know if he had to be late.
Although Teresa was worried about her husband working with one beautiful woman in particular, she decided that her calling him every hour to check on what he was doing wasn’t going to keep him loyal to her. She chose to start putting her attention toward what she really wanted–the two of them to be closer in their relationship.
She talked to him about spending time together each day, just the two of them.
Getting to “the truth” starts inside you and if you want a way to find out once and for all what “the truth” is, go to https://www.relationshipgold.com/is-your-man-a-liar
We invite you to take some healthy steps toward finding out.