There’s a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach and it’s not because of something you ate.
You know that your questions, comments and voiced concerns to your guy often come from jealousy. An almost-constant stream of worries and fears run through your mind and you’re afraid that this is turning him off and pushing him away from you.
And you might be right.
It’s a miserable place to be when you feel insecure, sensitive, suspicious and nervous about what he’s thinking, who he’s been with (and in what way), where he’s looking and what he’s about to do.
Is he about to leave you?
Has he been lying to you?
Would he rather be with someone else?
Questions like these will torment you and refuse to go away and they can cause you to speak and act jealously. You interrogate him when he gets home from work. You check up on his “story” even though he’s done nothing wrong. You sneak peeks at his phone to see who’s been texting him. You even accuse him of things you have no proof for.
There is no doubt that the cumulative effect of jealousy can be deadly for your relationship. You probably already know this and may be wondering if you can repair the damage before it’s too late. You don’t want to drive him away with your jealous comments and questions, but you’re also having a tough time letting it go. And trusting.
Here are 5 ways to tell if jealousy is negatively affecting your relationship…
1. You’re mostly focused on jealous thoughts.
Take an afternoon and notice where your thoughts usually go. Especially when you’re with your man, are you mostly wondering who he’s thinking about or looking at? Is your mind full of “what if?” stories that upset you and involve him cheating or leaving you?
If the bulk of your habitual thoughts make you feel jealous, then this will affect the way that you talk to and treat your partner. You will be more hostile, more needy and less able to trust and be intimate with him. This sends the message that it’s not safe for him to come closer to you.
2. Conversations usually revolve around jealousy.
What do you and your partner usually talk about? Pay attention to how often you two are arguing about him flirting with others, looking “too long” at others or other jealousy-related hot button issues. If you have one or more conversation every day that is sparked by or about jealousy, then this could be causing problems in your relationship. It’s definitely a block to love.
3. He’s quieter than usual.
Some people are just not as talkative as others and sometimes people get busy or stressed out and they are temporarily distracted and less chatty. However, if your guy has grown quieter than usual and you don’t know why this is, it may be a sign that your jealousy is taking a toll. He may be saying less because he’s afraid of setting you off. It seems easier for him to just keep quiet.
4. He gets defensive easily.
Jealousy has an uncanny way of putting your partner on the defensive. Even if you try hard not to accuse him of things, your tone of voice, body language and the way you ask particular questions (often and using certain words) express that you ARE making an accusation or indicating that you don’t trust him. If he’s getting defensive because of even simple comments you make, he may sarcastically say things like, “You would say that!” or “Is that okay with you?” or “I can’t do anything right, can I?!”
5. He’s keeping secrets.
What’s confusing is that your partner may start keeping secrets from you– not because he’s actually cheating, flirting or breaking your relationship agreements, but because of your jealousy. Your past jealous reactions may have taught him that it’s not safe for him to tell the truth (even if he’s done nothing wrong) and so he’s choosing to hide or even lie about what really happened.When you discover that he wasn’t completely honest with you, your suspicions rise and your jealousy spikes.
It’s a painful cycle that can only get worse.
If you notice one (or more) of these signs in yourself and/or your partner, take this as a wake up call. Don’t allow jealousy to ruin the love and connection you have– or used to have. Find out how to overcome jealousy when it comes up and to respond to triggering situations differently.