Whenever you get an attack of jealousy (and we call it an attack on purpose because that’s how it feels), what you want is a way to stop those run-away feelings so you can just act “normal” again.But we know that that’s easier said than done!
Because when you are in the throes of jealousy, that’s ALL you can think about.You can’t think about anything else.
You say and do things that you regret later and you know that you’ve got to stop because you’re pushing your partner away–but you don’t know how.
There’s no doubt about it…
The single best thing you can do to stop the jealousy in your relationship is to get a copy of our program called “No More Jealousy…”
You may think it’s this terrible flaw inside you but that’s not what it is at all.
It’s a normal reaction to a perceived threat to your relationship– which can escalate quickly to abnormal proportions.
In fact, jealous behavior can come off as just plain crazy.
It’s a giant red flag that there’s something for you to pay attention to–inside you and maybe outside you too.
The first step is to recognize and stop your jealous behavior that can certainly get out of hand–and for that, you need a jealousy buster.
A jealousy buster is a way to instantly bring you out of your jealousy trance so you can rationally deal with the situation at hand–whether you’ve fabricated the threat to your relationship or there really is a wolf at your door.
Here are 3 jealousy busters you can use to instantly bring yourself to consciousness…
1. Do a jealousy re-frame
Think about what you say to yourself when you feel intense jealousy.
We’re guessing it goes something like this…
*”He thinks she’s better looking and more fun than I am.”
*I’m a real loser so it’s no wonder she’s attracted to him.”
So to bust jealousy, you need to do a jealousy re-frame whenever you recognize thoughts that you don’t know to be true.
Stop yourself from making assumptions about what your partner thinks and does.
You don’t really know.
The stories you make up are from your frame of reference and not necessarily your partner’s.
So an instant jealousy re-frame might be to simply tell yourself that you don’t know what he or she is thinking or feeling about this other person–and tell yourself that you will find out the truth.
Now this line of thinking of course doesn’t negate the possible necessity of taking steps to find out the truth of your situation.
But it does save you from jealous behavior that you may regret.
2. Focus on what you’re doing right.
Believe it or not, a very powerful way to bust jealousy is to focus on yourself and what you’re doing right.
For most of us, it’s easy to compare ourselves to others and come up short.
But don’t be drawn into that self-defeating web.
Make a list of what you appreciate about yourself, keep it handy and when jealousy threatens to spin you out of control, remind yourself about who you are.
The researchers tell us that low self-worth is one of the biggest reasons for jealousy– the kind that becomes out-of-control.
A person can appear (and be) very confident in many areas of his or her life–but in one or more areas, that’s not the case.
And this isn’t just about jealousy.
Low self-worth can appear in many different ways–staying in a job you don’t like or putting up a with toxic friend.
The idea is to remind yourself about your worth every chance you get.
Even if it’s a mantra that you repeat to yourself when you feel low–like “I deserve love and am love.”
Keep up this mantra and you’ll break the jealousy trance when you fall into it.
3. Create agreements in advance.
Jealousy can happen in advance of the actual instance–because of what has happened before or what you may fear might happen.
So if it’s possible, create an agreement with your partner about how you want this event (if your jealousy is about an event) to go in advance of it happening.
One of the best ways to bust jealousy is to cut it off before it happens.
If your partner is willing, talk about how long you will stay at the event in question, how much contact you want with each other and what that contact can look like.
In other words, create an agreement about how you want the event to go but go easy on the accusations and blaming.
Focus on what you want.
If your partner isn’t open to making an agreement with you, make one with yourself.
How will you act if you are attacked by jealousy?
What jealousy buster are you going to use?
Will you go to the bathroom and just breathe until the attack passes?
Will you go stand by your partner and gently (or not so gently) stake your claim?
Make your agreement with yourself and you might even write it down and put it in your pocket or purse so you are reminded what you want to have happen.
Know that you can bust jealousy.
Busting jealousy takes one moment–and then another moment–and then another one–to take a step toward what you want.