Marriage Advice for Dealing with the Loss of Attraction for Your Spouse

What if the physical attraction in your marriage used to be there–but now it’s gone?

You love him (or her) but you can’t help but wonder just where did the physical attraction go.It used to be there but now you find you’re just pretending or worse yet, you’re numb and maybe don’t care.

But the fact is–if you’re really honest with yourself, you do care and you want that attraction back!

What do you do to get that romance, intimacy and physical attraction back?


“I used to be incredibly attracted to my husband! Of course we all age and he is doing so much faster than I am although we are only 18 months apart. Currently, he is 47 and I am 46. I love him, he is such a great guy, but I feel so discouraged with my lack of physical attraction to him. How can I get that back?”


Losing attraction for your partner can certainly be the so-called elephant in the living room…

You’re afraid to talk about it because you don’t want to hurt his feelings but you know that he knows and senses how you feel–and he’s hurt anyway.

You love him but where did the attraction go that used to be so strong?

What changed?

He could have changed…

**more stressed out from work

**overweight and out of shape

**seemingly less interested in s*e*x and in you

**seems old and acts old

While all (or some of that) could be true, the real reason you aren’t physically attracted to him anymore is that something shifted in your mind.

It might surprise you to know but all the experts tell us that love, passion and desire is concocted in your mind.

It’s your thoughts and your stories about your husband that determine how attracted you are to him, especially if you were extremely attracted to him at one time.

Just think about it….

Have you ever thought one way about something and then because your thoughts changed about it–thought another way about it?

It might be something simple like this example about baseball from our relationship…

It used to really get on Susie’s nerves when Otto watched his favorite baseball team–the Cincinnati Reds–on television.

This is because when he did this, it took her back to when she was a young girl and her father “monopolized” the family’s only tv set to watch the Cincinnati Reds baseball games.

It wasn’t until her desire to be with Otto trumped her annoyance that she began to watch the games with him.

Not only did she start watching the games with Otto but over time, she went from being repulsed by the idea to actually growing to enjoy them as she learned more about the game.

To her surprise, now, she’s actually interested in finding out how Otto’s favorite team (and now hers) is doing–which she absolutely thought would never happen.

So what did happen?

She’s telling herself a different story about the Reds now.

And that’s how you start to get your attraction back–you tell yourself a different story than the one you’re telling yourself now.

Do you lie to yourself?

No–but you do start looking for ways that he is attractive to you–even if they are small ways.

It might be his smile or it might be the curve of his face–or another part of his body.

It might be the way he reacts to your children or to your animals.

Find some ways to look at him a little differently.

Here’s something else that might be going on…

Polarity between the two of you could be gone.

Polarity is the delicious clash of masculine and feminine energies that when they come together, they almost combust.

After years of being together, friendship may be the primary bond that holds the two of you together–above everything else.

While we love it that you love him and that he’s a great guy, there’s no juice in that.

You want to get the juice flowing again, don’t you?

It may sound obvious, but we suggest you try some things to spice up your romance.

We have many suggestions in our Red Hot
Love Relationships book–¬† that we think you’ll find helpful in bringing back the spark and attraction.

Something we go into detail about in our Red Hot Love Relationships¬† book is something we do almost all of the time to keep romance in our relationship strong and growing and that is…

We “flirt” with each other a lot.

We know we’re breaking the “rules” for two people who work together but we don’t care.

Flirting is one of those things that keeps the flame burning hot between the two of us.

Everybody has their own way of flirting and if you’re like most couples that had a certain spark and attraction in the beginning, we’re sure that flirting is something you did.

Maybe you flirted with each other a little bit or maybe a lot but chances are you did it.

The thing is you just have to remember how you did it when your attraction was strong and start there…

We’re sure that if you put your mind to it, you’ll remember.

And when you remember, start doing it again, even though you may feel a little awkward at first.

Figure out what your level of commitment is to finding that spark between the two of you again.

And then talk to your husband about how you’d like to amp up the romance between you–without making him wrong.

What man would take offense if his partner came to him in an open way–ready and willing to explore ways to get closer?

Not many, we’re guessing.

Of course, you have to make the choice if this is what you want–and then start doing the things that will rekindle your passion for each other.

We realize that when it comes to attraction, sometimes it’s either there or it isn’t there– and no amount of energy can change that.

But if it was there before, you have a far better chance of uncovering it again if you learn how to open yourself to the possibility that it just might still be there.

Like a lot of things in relationships–the tendencies are to look outside yourself for the answers–but rekindling the attraction oddly enough starts with you.




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