“Want More Passion and Spark in Your Marriage? Try a Little Jealousy!”
Anna reads this magazine headline as she stands in line at the grocery store. She starts to wonder if there’s something to this advice. Anna’s husband has been hyper-focused on his career for the past year (or more).
While she is proud of all that he has accomplished during his time with the company he works for, she feels ignored and neglected.
The last thing that Anna wants is to be a needy wife who is a drain on her husband, but she also misses the closeness and passion that used to be so abundant in her marriage. As Anna flips through the magazine to the article, she reads the advice that a little jealousy could be the key to getting back and keeping spark in a relationship.
She wonders if this is something she should try.
There is a guy at Anna’s office who often flirts with her and even texted her a few times. In the past, she’s ignored the man. But now, Anna is considering flirting back with him and maybe making a point of texting with the guy when she’s with her husband.
If all goes well, Anna hopes that her husband will get jealous and he’ll start giving her a little more attention.
The trouble with advice and a game like this is that it could go horribly wrong.
Anna could end up feeling even more alone and neglected than she already does. The distance in her marriage could grow even bigger.
There is a lot of bad advice out there when it comes to relationships.
One of the worst pieces of advice that we’ve ever heard (or read) is that a little jealousy is actually a good thing for a relationship.
We simply do not agree with this advice.
While jealousy itself is not necessarily good or bad, its effects are extremely damaging– to the person who is jealous, the jealous person’s partner and to trust, communication and connection in the relationship.
Jealousy comes from fear in the vast majority of cases. It might stem from a fear of not being attractive/successful/funny/witty/sexy enough or it may come from a fear of being betrayed and abandoned.
There could be very real reasons why the jealous person feels this fear. Past experiences or even things going on now could be fueling jealousy.
If your relationship doesn’t already have jealousy and fear impacting it, why would you want to artificially introduce it? Why, as in Anna’s case, would it ever be beneficial to purposely make your partner jealous and fearful that you will leave or cheat?
This is absolutely NOT an effective way to bring more passion, spark and closeness to your marriage or love relationship.
If you’re feeling ignored and neglected by your partner, what else can you do?
1. Get clear about what your specific needs are.
Be as specific as you can with yourself. In what ways are you feeling ignored and neglected? Better yet, what words, gestures or activities from your partner would help you feel more important and special to him or her?
Try to concentrate on what you’d like to experience (or experience more of) in your relationship instead of listing off all of the ways your mate lets you down.
2. Suggest agreements that will help you meet your needs.
When you communicate with your partner, keep in mind what you do want and the specific needs you have identified. Make requests or suggest agreements with your mate that will help you get more of what you want– more of what will help you feel your partner’s attention and love.
If your partner balks at your request, try not to get defensive. Stay open and really listen to what your partner has to say. You might ask if he or she has another idea that would work for both of you.
3. Don’t make your partner responsible for how you feel.
One common relationship mistake is to make your partner responsible for how you feel. This is unfair and it sets you both up for tension and disappointment. Nobody else can “make” you happy, sad or whatever it is you feel.
Yes, of course, you’re going to have feelings and be affected by what your partner says or does. This doesn’t mean that your mate is responsible for your feelings.
Affirm to yourself that you ARE special, important, sexy, beautiful, successful (and all of the other things you’d like). Practice shifting your beliefs so that you can one day really know this.
The interesting thing that often happens is that the more you respect and honor yourself, the more readily your partner will follow your lead.
Be sure to also notice those moments of connection and passion that you DO share with your mate. These can happen naturally and be built upon without you having to resort to manipulation or jealousy games.
For more tips to create more passion, love and connection in your relationship, or for some great ideas for overcoming jealousy, get our free ebook “7 Jealousy Stopping Secrets.”